Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Seems I'm on the rollercoaster again. I swear I've gained and lost these same three pounds my entire life. The stupid scale keeps yo-yoing, and it's about to drive me nuts. Doesn't help that I'm starving this afternoon. I'd give anything for a blizzard right now.

I did manage to do a layout this weekend.

Not very inspiring, a lot like my life! LOL! Sorry for the glare.
The pics under the glare are of the salsa being mixed in one and sampled by Stephen in the pot in the other.

I thought we were going to get away for a couple of days over the Labor Day weekend. Stephen decided he didn't want to spend the money, so I guess we'll stay at home and do nothing, like we do every time we're off on vacation. I know we shouldn't spend the money, but it would be nice to get away for just a day or two. He did at least promise me that we wouldn't do anything with the nephew-from-Hades.

My knee is still hurting. I wish I knew what I did to it. I didn't walk on the treadmill this weekend, and I didn't walk as hard as I normally do yesterday, but it still was hurting me pretty bad. So this morning I walked as fast as normal and I can't tell that I've made it any worse. Definitely not better, but not worse. It's so darn frustrating. Oh, and I had a stupid migraine yesterday too. I'm not convinced cutting the dosage of my pills was the answer to my problems.

Friday, August 25, 2006

so impatient

That would be me described to a T. When I want something, I want it right now. No waiting. I'm being too impatient with this weight loss - I know I am. No doubt in my mind. But that's the way I've always been. All I see is the end goal.

With that being said, I'm very please to say I was down 2 lbs when I weighed this morning. So it looks like it may be taking 9 days to lose 2 lbs. That's not too bad, but not too good either. Esp not when I have so far to go. If I keep at it, push hard and don't lose sight of the end goal, I can be at 160 by Christmas. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I'm also impatient when it comes to the migraines. The dr really ticked me off yesterday. She pretty much made me feel like I was stupid and I felt like she was blowing me off. Her answer is to cut back on the dosage of the medication I'm on. Never mind I had to up it to keep the headaches at bay. Her reasoning is that maybe since we stopped the daily headaches that the cycle is broken and maybe the lower dosage will keep them gone and stop the wild mood swings. There's that word again. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I can now say I am 1/3 of the way to my goal. That's something at least. Right? A third of the way there? That sounds better than 1/4, but not much.

I thought my knee was better. In fact it felt pretty good yesterday. This morning it's killing me again. I'm so frustrated. I had hoped to walk or maybe try the Tae Bo dvd tomorrow to keep in the routine. I figure I need to add some more exercise somewhere. With my knee hurting worse than it was earlier in the week, I don't see how I can do that now. *sigh* Maybe......

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

the short lived, skinny me

This was me for a short time in the summer of 2000. I had lost so much weight and felt so good. Then my dad died in February 2000 and I tried so hard to keep it together, and did for a few months, but I was lying to myself. By early fall, I was back up to 160 and by Christmas, the damage was done. I don't know if I'll ever see 140 again, or if I'll ever be able to get in to a size 12 skirt. It's so hard, and I'm so frustrated. Esp when I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing and the weight isn't coming off. Worse still, the migraine meds are driving me nuts. I upped the dosage, which the dr had okay'd me to do, and now it's messing with my cycle. Even tho two dr's have told me that it won't affect my birth control pills or my cycle. Funny, the drug manufacturer says it can and it will and it is! Can I just say I hate drs? And to top it off, I've done something to my stupid knee. No idea what, no injury that stands out in my mind, no searing pain or impact or bruising. It just plain hurts. But I walked again today anyway. Not that it's doing me any freakin' good.

I've decided I must work with the most insensitive, cruel, self-absorbed witches in the world. One of my co-workers made homemade cookies and brought them to work. She has no idea I'm on a diet. Neither does another girl I work with. She offered a cookie to everyone in the office except me. She can't claim she was trying to be nice and not tempt me because she doesn't know I'm dieting. She was just being rude and excluding me. The other girl that doesn't know I'm dieting, she bought a bag of candy and passed it out to the others but again excluded me. Why is it that fat people are overlooked, excluded and treated as tho we have the plague? Why can't people realize we have feelings too? I didn't want the stupid cookie or a piece of the candy, but it would have been nice to have been offered something, included like everyone else. I swear I could disappear and be missing for days before any one would ever notice. And I know it's not all in my head, because those same girls and bosses I work with that treat me like crap now, treated me so much nicer back in 2000 when I was skinny. And treated me like crap back in 1999 and before when I was fat.

I don't have a name, I'm just fat girl.

Monday, August 21, 2006

new traditional layout

I did this layout this weekend. I'd been working on the journaling for a while. It's "If Belle Could Talk". I was inspired by a scrapping friend to do an "interview" of our dog and record the answers. I thought it was a nice twist on the "record what your dog does" layout. The tag was a RAK from a friend. I used Sassafrass Lass stamps on the title and on each question as bullets.

The weekend sure went fast. Seems like I was just here at work a few hours ago. I got my hair cut (not what I wanted done at all!) and ran a few errands on Saturday. I've upped the dosage on my meds (the dr had told me I could if I needed to) to try to get the last of the stupid nagging headaches to go away and I'm not sure I like the moodiness it's caused. I'm overly emotional. But then, I think some of that could be that I found some pictures this weekend from when I lost all my weight back in 1999/2000. I think I posted about the huge fight I had with Stephen over not "supporting" him in his weight loss. Finding these pictures made me realize, he didn't have one nice thing to say to me. I can't recall him ever telling me he was "proud" of me for losing the weight or how good I looked (and I did look good - I'll have to post a picture) or to keep up the good work. I believe all I got from him was the same "I'm jealous of you" that I had given him a few months ago when he yelled at me for not being supportive of him. I'm just so sick of the double standards and the BS that's going on. And sure, he's lost 40 lbs and I've only lost 21, but you'd think he could give me some support and tell me way to go and keep up the good work once in a while too. Instead all I get is "keep at it, you'll get there eventually." Excuse me? Hello? What the heck happened to being supportive?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

....blue got worse.....

so on the way home from work Monday, I had to stop and pay the water bill. They have a drop box that has these poles on either side to keep you from running over it. My car is very low to the ground and I'm short, so I have to get close to the box or I have to open the door and risk dinging the door to put the payment in the box. I was feeling so bad (dizzy, sick at my stomach, had the shakes really bad) and probably had no business driving in the first place, but I wasn't paying close enough attention apparently. I got to close and when I went to pull away, I scraped the back of the car against one of those poles. Dented the wheel well on the drivers side. I was so mad at myself. I started crying and I could stop. I mean, I cried for an hour and a half and litterally could not stop. I think it was just the last straw, stress, hormones, the new med, the fact that I messed up the first new car I've ever owned, I just broke.

Today is a little better. I'm pleased to report I don't have a headache. Knock on wood. I'm up to 35 mins at 3.5 mph on the treadmill. As short as I am, that's nearly a jog for me. Today was really hard tho. I think I have a stone bruise on my left heel. And I've tweeked the muscle in my right thigh. It's tight and sore, but I still kept at it. Being old sucks, in case I have said it lately. But at least I'm not crying hysterically today. That's always a plus. :)

Monday, August 14, 2006


....that would be me.....blue.....deeply, completely, tee-totally blue. Completely in a funk. So far down I can't even see the light at the top of the hole I'm in. And I have no one to talk to about it. No one who will understand. You see, after losing those four lbs from starting the new migraine meds, I've not lost a single ounce. Not a half an ounce. And I've been good. Very good. I've been walking. Speed walking. 3.4 mph on the treadmill 5 days a week. Watching what I eat, being good. I've tried to talk to my husband about it. All I get from him is "you should exercise for the sake of exercising and improving your health, not for weight loss". People tell me I'm eating too little food. Then they tell me I'm eating too much food. Sorry, you can't have it both ways! 1300-1500 calories a day. Enough water to float a battle ship. And I'm stuck at 190. With no one to talk to who'll understand. No one that has a shoulder I can cry on. No one who will just listen without passing judgement. *sigh*

.....so.....I'm blue....so very blue.....and no end in sight.......

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Be thankful for what you've been given.

This is so hard to remember. It's so easy to get caught up in the "I wish I had this" or the "my life would be perfect if" game. So today I'm going to try to look at the things I should be thankful for. But first some business to take care of.

Three winners were chosen for the digital drawer contest. Big surprise, I wasn't one. One was a baby layout, which I knew would happen. I guess I just don't have what it takes.

I canned 9 1/2 quarts of tomato juice last night. I was so tired when I was done I couldn't keep my eyes open. It will be so nice to have fresh juice for chili this winter tho.

That job I applied for about 3 weeks ago? I emailed them about a week after I sent my
resume, telling them how excited I was and asking if I could schedule an appt for an interview. I got a HATEFUL message on the answering machine stating that they were waiting to get all the resumes in before making any appts and they'd be in touch. Nothing since. No email, no phone calls. So by showing my excitement and asking for an appt I screwed myself out of a chance for an enterview. Jerks. Of course if they're going to be that big of jerks, it doesn't sound like a place I'd really want to work anyway.

I've been getting back in to the walking and diet thing. I walked Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday. I got up to walk this morning, but Stephen was in bed sick with a sinus headache, so I didn't do it. The treadmill makes so much racket, and I have to have the tv on or I go nuts, so I'll try to walk after work today. I'm still at 190, but I'm seeing results. I took my measurements this morning, and while the tape measure doesn't show I'm losing inches, my clothes tell a different story. I put on a pair of dress pants today that aren't tight, but the way the pockets are made, the pockets have always flaired out. They are too freakin' big!! The pockets now lay right and I could actually use a belt! WooHoo!!

And here's a quick layout I did last night with a Free Pea kit from Rhonna Farrar from Two Peas in a Bucket. I just love her work!

So, now for the some of things I'm thankful for and take for granted:

* a job that, which I don't like, does help pay the bills.

* a home, a lovely, if older home, that has a modest monthly mortgage payment and will be ours in roughly 12 years.

* a husband, who loves me unconditionaly, who frustrates me, brings me great joy, and who I truly would be lost without.

* a wonderful mother in law and father in law, who treat me as tho I'm their own child, even if I don't agree with all of their decisions.

* my health, if my only major complaint is headaches and migraines, I am so very, very fortunate.

Monday, August 07, 2006

this and that

* I entered my drawer in the contest. The contest closed last night. Not sure when the winner will be announced. I don't stand a chance of winning, but I did at least have fun making the project.

* The new med they gave me seems to be helping, knock on wood. I'm still having a few little headaches, but they seem to respond to regular meds. I have had one migraine, but to be fair, I'd only take four pills and there wasn't hardly any med built up in my system.

* The new med seems to have a lovely side effect of weight loss. I lost 4 lbs in the first week I was on it. Gotta love that. That makes me currently 190, the lowest I've weighed since 2000.

* The new med has a nasty side effect. It makes soda, all soda (diet or regular) taste like crap. I thought coffee was going to be okay. I had a cup on Saturday and it tasted okay. I had a cup this morning and nearly gagged.

Today's quote: Find life's treasures in simple pleasures.