the short lived, skinny me

This was me for a short time in the summer of 2000. I had lost so much weight and felt so good. Then my dad died in February 2000 and I tried so hard to keep it together, and did for a few months, but I was lying to myself. By early fall, I was back up to 160 and by Christmas, the damage was done. I don't know if I'll ever see 140 again, or if I'll ever be able to get in to a size 12 skirt. It's so hard, and I'm so frustrated. Esp when I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing and the weight isn't coming off. Worse still, the migraine meds are driving me nuts. I upped the dosage, which the dr had okay'd me to do, and now it's messing with my cycle. Even tho two dr's have told me that it won't affect my birth control pills or my cycle. Funny, the drug manufacturer says it can and it will and it is! Can I just say I hate drs? And to top it off, I've done something to my stupid knee. No idea what, no injury that stands out in my mind, no searing pain or impact or bruising. It just plain hurts. But I walked again today anyway. Not that it's doing me any freakin' good.

I've decided I must work with the most insensitive, cruel, self-absorbed witches in the world. One of my co-workers made homemade cookies and brought them to work. She has no idea I'm on a diet. Neither does another girl I work with. She offered a cookie to everyone in the office except me. She can't claim she was trying to be nice and not tempt me because she doesn't know I'm dieting. She was just being rude and excluding me. The other girl that doesn't know I'm dieting, she bought a bag of candy and passed it out to the others but again excluded me. Why is it that fat people are overlooked, excluded and treated as tho we have the plague? Why can't people realize we have feelings too? I didn't want the stupid cookie or a piece of the candy, but it would have been nice to have been offered something, included like everyone else. I swear I could disappear and be missing for days before any one would ever notice. And I know it's not all in my head, because those same girls and bosses I work with that treat me like crap now, treated me so much nicer back in 2000 when I was skinny. And treated me like crap back in 1999 and before when I was fat.

I don't have a name, I'm just fat girl.