Hurt feelings

I debated about blogging this, but maybe it will help me feel better about what happened. I know I'm being silly, but words and actions hurt, and I'm only human and can't help that Stephen hurt me.

He is a big cartoon fan, watches the Simpsons and Family Guy religiously, among other shows. Family Guy last night was about the wife gaining weight. They had a pregnancy scare, and the wife told the husband he had to get a vasectomy. So the husband lost interest in sex and the wife felt neglected and turned to food. So as the wife got fatter, the husband began insulting her. Really ugly, hateful stuff. Stephen laughed hysterically at it. Thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And it hurt my feelings.

I am fat. Obese. Whatever you want to call it, I'm it. I know I'm fat, but I also know I'm weak. I lost a bunch of weight in 1999, only to gain every single pound and then some back after my father died. Now Stephen isn't skinny either. He has joined a gym to try to lose his weight just recently. So he's aware he's not skinny either. So why did I feel that every time he laughed, he was laughing at me? That he was seeing ME, that he was thinking of our marriage and how I'm not attractive any more. That he wished I would lose weight so he woulndn't be ashamed of me. I know if I try to talk to him about it, he'll deny it and tell me I'm being overly sensative. And I'm sure I am being overly sensative. But he hurt my feelings and I know he'll never admit he might have been inconsiderate in what he did.

So now here I sit, wallowing in self pity, upset with my husband, bitter because I'm so weak and lazy. Crushed to think that Stephen might be thinking those horrible things about me, and worse, knowing they're true. What a way to start a week....